Finding a Way Forward

I'm trying to think of ways that I can be of service.  I sat and reflected and took some time to try and figure out what Jesus would like to guide my spirit into doing.  How can I make a change?  How can I make a difference?

Last week's tragic events in Haiti, and truly other events that have happened the world over in recent memory have really called to me.  And I'm starting to understand that He wants to call me into doing outreach and missions, working with and volunteering with the homeless, at-risk, challenged, people who have been affected my diasters.  I feel that I am drawn to those areas, to be able to lend a hand, supply a shoulder to lean on, an ear to listen, a heart that cares, provide some moments of respite from the realities of the day, but also to be able to spread His word, and set an example of how His love can really lead to something important and worthwhile. 

At church yesterday we were asked if we were ready to be "Born Again".  I knew the answer immediately, YES, I am ready, I have already accepted Him into my heart, felt myself change to be His.  It is a huge responsibility to allow yourself the accept that He does want me to be part of His greater plan, yet I am humbled to know that inspite of everything and anything that I could have done before, He is willing and according to the word and services I hear, has already forgiven me for my sins. Heady stuff.

I want Him to know that I am genuine in my heart for changing to live with Him, beside Him, to surround myself in what He wants me to do.

I raised my hand when my pastor asked if there were any people ready to accept to be Born Again, as it was true.  Afterwards when we stood to sing, I realized that I was so full of emotion.  Singing His praise, I could barely get the words out, so close to tears was I.  The tears were forming because I felt renewed, I  was not just happy but excited.  I am light in spirit yet heavy to know that I do not want to disappoint Him by not being and becoming what He wants me to be.  I wanted to talk about it but at the same time I didn't want to fall apart in a sea of crying from being so happy in the middle of church. 

Yesterday evening was the Next Steps night, and I knew that I am ready to commit to being an active, contributing member of my church, I know that I belong with these people, the fellow worshippers.  It such an amazing feeling.  I have never felt this belonging before in my life.  I really wanted to stay and meet people but I was still so full of emotion from the service earlier in the day that I again, knew that any faith related conversation that evening was going to draw me to tears again...and while I am not embarrassed at all in anyway to show how much love I have, I just wanted a little more time to be with myself and truly connect to this feeling and really try to understand it.  I have time enough to meet everyone who can contribute to my spiritual growth - yesterday was for me.

The hardest thing for me is that my family and friends don't have the same spiritual connection that I have.  And while I am embarking on this road that is already helping me find what my soul needs, I am also sad that they don't share in it.  I am telling them but they are not yet open to finding a message and connection.  I need to learn how to help guide them to a better and deeper relationship to Jesus Christ.  At present I don't yet know how to do that.  And for a while at least I must work on my own personal relationship with Him. 

I am excited to join some of the groups at church so that I have others to talk to who are of the same heart as me.  People who can be my peers, and can understand what I am feeling.

I've needed to have this relationship for a long time, and a few times in the last few months I've wondered why I didn't act upon this sooner.  Why didn't I come to Him?  What was it that was so important that it kept me from Him?

I can't figure out what it was - although I know that it wasn't anything important!

I have this feeling though that it wasn't from a lack of trying, I did not listen.  Now I think that I am glad to have had the other experiences that I have had because it helps to give a perspective on difficulties, and situations that can help others.  I needed to experience some very negative things in order to really have a positive effect.  Going to Him sooner would have saved me the heartbreaks and the mistakes but faith would not have been tested to this degree and I can say that I am going to this road with a true and open heart.  I am going to Him with ears ready to listen.  I am following this path with open arms and steady feet.